The Day I Knew She'd be Okay...

Everyone's a-ha moment will be different, for you it might be when you hold your baby for the first time, for others it could take days or even months. In my case, it took months. I'm not saying I wasn't unconditionally in love with Pandora from the moment I laid eyes on her, because I was. That girl has been my best friend, and partner in crime since the day she was born.

When I talk about my a-ha moment, I mean the moment I realized she was going to be okay. She has always been stable medically. However, physically doctors originally told us they had no idea if she'd ever have use of her arms and hands. I thought the worst for the longest time because she did not move her arms or hands until she was around six months old.

There were times that I would be changing her diaper and the tears would roll down my face uncontrollably. Through the sobs I would hold her little hands and apologize over and over. I am actually tearing up writing this because I don't believe I have ever shared this with anyone. I tend to be a suffer silence type of person, but I want others to know that it is 100% normal to feel the way I did.

Actually, it's normal for any parent to worry in this way about their child for many different reasons. Just know whatever the reason, your feelings are valid.

What was the actual moment?

I was laying on our couch with Pandora next to me on the floor in her bouncer. I had just started another Baby Einstein video. (The only thing that would keep her occupied at the time) The sounds of classical music filled the air, and beautiful images flashed across the screen. She was content and suddenly extremely excited making tons of loud noise. When I looked down at her, she was flapping her arms with just the slightest movement. To say I was excited was an understatement, the feeling I had I compare to the excitement people experience when a child says their first word, or takes their first step. I quickly yelled for Dave to come look. He came running worried something was wrong and then realized it was the exact opposite. We grabbed a nearby baby rattle and intertwined it in her fingers and she seemed to be trying to grab it and shake it.

I ugly cried, the most relieving tears I had ever cried that day. It felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my chest. I no longer felt guilty for sharing my "terrible" DNA with her.

What helped make that moment happen?

It's important to know that, that moment didn't come without a lot of hard work. At three months old Pandora's pediatrician could tell something was wrong and bothering me. (She used to be my pediatrician.) She knew how to ask the right questions and I was finally able to appropriately express my feelings and extreme concern. Shortly after, we got Pandora into the Early Intervention Program. I was still having issues with depression at the time but I truly believe, if it hadn't been for the physical therapy, it would have taken her much longer to gain strength and movement in her arms. I wonder how much longer we both would have been suffering if I hadn't finally talked to someone.

Whatever your dealing with now, I encourage you to reach out to someone and talk about those feelings. Even if you want to do something as simple as leaving a comment down below, sometimes just sharing can help. I know it made a huge difference for me.

~ Shauna